I Am Joe's Intensity
by LaVidaDeLosMuertes
Summary: Tyler/Joe (Jack). I wrote this before I watched the movie and in the book his name is Joe, so deal with it. TW: Violence, (self?) Asphyxiation, language, male/male relationship and masturbation.


I am Joe's Intensity.

Tyler says he is going to London. He stuffs the bare essentials into a backpack and walks out the door. Tyler doesn't say anything else, for once. I am alone. Marla calls on the telephone asking for Tyler, I say he's going to London and she asks why I didn't tell her sooner. I tell her I didn't know he was going either. I am Joe's crippling frustration. Marla asks if she can come over, I tell her I don't want to see her and she hangs up. Marla's silence is never silent; it's always punctuated with the puckering sound of her lips around a cigarette, the inhale like breath from a scuba diver, and maybe, if I'm breathing quietly enough I can hear the burning of the cigarette.

I am Joe's intensity. I'm lying on my bed. I'm picturing Tyler getting on an airplane without me, I'm picturing Tyler peeing in Tomato and Clam bisque, I'm picturing Marla dragging her breath through a cigarette like a horse with a plow. The phone rings but it's not for me. I get naked. Tyler said, "You never truly know somebody until you see them before they orgasm" I'm pulling off my shirt, Tyler said, "but if you can't convince them to get naked with you, you can always kill them." I'm naked, I'm looking in the mirror. My body is chiseled from granite, rivers of blue and purple mottling pale skin. Tyler said, "The only time a human tells the truth is when they take their last breath" I asked him what about babies, "The only time a human tells the truth is when they take their last breath." I am Joe's realization.

The hole in my cheek is healing, or it would be, if I could ever leave it alone long enough to allow it. I watched my junk stiffen in front of the mirror, wondering if that was a lie. I am Joe's narcissism. I slide it between my fingers and stand it all the way up like a little toy soldier. Tyler said, "How can I trust you if you don't trust me?" I trust Tyler, but not enough to do what he wants me to do every time. "Just do me this one favor," he said, and I did it even though it scared me. Tyler covered my eyes with a strip of cloth and took off my clothes. Once I was naked he removed the cloth, laid me down on the floor and put his hands around my neck. And suddenly I am Joe's animal instinct. I thrash around and send stacks of Reader's Digest to the floor. Tyler presses harder and he says, "First step is to crush the windpipe, after that it's a lot easier to ensure the end" I am naked between Tyler's knees, and he is crushing my windpipe.

I'm standing in front of the mirror, toy soldier at attention, and Tyler is in my head, "The second step is to get comfortable" I sit down on the floor in front of the mirror. I am Joe's sporadic heartbeat. I put my thumbs on the head of my toy soldier and rub his helmet brim. I say, '_the first step is to crush the windpipe_'. But it's not me talking, it's Tyler, and he's in the doorway. He sits in front of me on the floor, and he blocks out my reflection in the mirror perfectly. I am looking into Tyler like I might a mirror. Tyler crosses his legs and folds his fingers together. "Do you remember?" he asks, and I nod, "I don't believe you".

Tyler pushed his thumbs harder at my throat and I thrashed more, he says "Stay with me" and I can't. I imagine my chakras. I am surrounded with light, Tyler says, "Don't leave me." I am floating, bouncing off of the ceiling of the living room, and Tyler says "Remember" and he screams it, and I'm thrashing on the floor, but it doesn't hurt anymore, and I can feel my eyes growing droopy with sleep, and Tyler is screaming, "Stay here, remember, don't leave" over and over again like a mantra or a lullaby, and I am falling asleep for the first time in days. I sneak a peek at the scene below my floating self and see my body shaking by some unexplained force. I look where Tyler's hands should be and see rope. I look around the room and Tyler is gone. I am Joe's undeniable rage. Tyler screams for me to stay and remember and promise not to leave, but he would leave before he finds out if he can trust me? The floorboards are creaking under my body, and rusty nails are pushing into my granite skin, and I know that hurts, but I don't feel it. I stop floating and go back to my body, and Tyler is there, choking me. I punch him as hard as I can right in the ear and pull his hands from around my throat. Tyler smirks and says, "Cool". And he's gone, leaving for London.

"So you do remember" he says, and I can't help but roll my eyes. I say it was only three hours ago, but he waves his hand in the air. "That's not what I mean. I know you remember it that way, but do you remember the feeling? Do you remember floating, and being angry? Was it better than anything you have ever felt?" Tyler rambles, and my toy soldier is standing at attention. I think of Marla, plowing her breath through tobacco, brushing her hair with a horse bristle brush. I think of Marla's breasts in the shower, and how cold they were when I touched them for the first time. I think of Tyler and every lie he has ever told me. He grabs my shoulder. "Can I trust you?" and I nod, but I'm not sure if I'm even telling the truth now. I think of Tyler's skin and how it's always such a neutral temperature. I wonder what Marla is doing right now, probably warming her tits by the fire.

I rub my toy soldier's helmet, and close my eyes, but Tyler pinches me, "stay here" he says, and rests his head in his hands. I close my eyes again, and he pinches me. "Stay here" he says again. I promise, Tyler. I rub my Toy soldier quicker and he dances beneath my fingers. I am Joe's sexual appetite. I stare into Tyler's eyes until I can see my own. My soldier dances faster, he is leaking, and Tyler is touching skin, and tracing my many ridges and valleys, he says, "The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage" and rests his hand over my heart, and once again I am Joe's sporadic heartbeat. I can taste copper, and my mouth is very wet, and Tyler kisses me. I half expect another chemical burn, but this time instead of lye he puts a handkerchief to my lips, and dabs at them while my soldier trembles between my fingers. Tyler moves the red speckled handkerchief from my lips and kisses me again, pulls completely away, and kisses my chest. I am so close now, but Tyler is so far away. He kisses me again, on my knee this time, and backs away again. He watches, taking mental notes. I am so close. I am Joe's sexual frustration. I am Joe's finish line. I am Joe's orgasm. I let out a noise for my audience and Tyler kisses my fatigued soldier for a job well done. Tyler says, "You are a liar" and leaves me again.


End file.
